The question for Saturday night is, what to do about the closet All Blacks fan.

You know who they are. They’ll be sitting next to you as the teams run out for the Bledisloe Cup opener. They’ll be really, really excited about the match, almost like they know what’s going to happen. They’ll pretend they’re Australian and might be disguised by a gold scarf, but they’re not wearing it with conviction, for beneath those wattle and eucalypt colours lurks a black heart.

For casual pre-match conversation they’ll come out with a list of all the people who weren’t born when Australia last won the Cup from New Zealand in 1998. And uninteresting factoids like how John Howard was prime minister, the biggest sites on the internet were AltaVista and Ask Jeeves, and the top-rating TV show was Friends. And when we last lost the Cup, in 2002, how Facebook still hadn’t been founded – hell, even MySpace hadn’t yet been founded - but John Howard and Friends were still on top.

Five minutes till kick-off, and the next giveaway: "We have such a crap anthem. Aotearoa/God Defend New Zealand really brings a tear to the eye, especially when they do it in Maori. And isn’t it great how they all know the Maori words".

Two minutes to kick-off, and they’ll say, "Shut up everyone, they’re doing the haka!" There follows a period of intense concentration, and: "It never gets old, does it? I like all the versions, but you can’t go past the traditional Ka Mate." And you’ll see their muscles twitch sympathetically with the moves. And at the end, their tongue comes out. But they’re in the closet, and actually poking the tongue out would be cultural appropriation, so they quickly pull it back in.

The closet All Blacks fans think they’re better than you, because they’re ‘beyond nationalism’. They appreciate rugby for its own sake, the beauty of the linking passes, the symphonic teamwork, the incredible skills of the tight forwards. ‘Have you ever seen a hooker catch and pass the ball like Dane Coles?’ Then they’ll show further inside-rugby superiority by saying their favourite All Black isn’t a glamour boy like Beauden Barrett or Sonny Bill Williams, but the quietly brilliant Ben Smith. And they’ll pronounce his name correctly, as in ‘Bin Smuth’.

And you, by contrast, with your lack of knowledge of any players outside Israel Folau or, at a stretch, Kurtley Beale, are depicted as a rugby tourist. The fact that you’re sincerely hoping Australia will win marks you out as a mere follower, a patriot, a my-country-right-or-wrong dimwit seeking the last refuge of scoundrels. By comparison with the global citizen over there, chomping on a slice of Kiwifruit pavlova ("Did you know both of those are New Zealand creations?"), you in your gold jersey are little better than Fraser Anning.

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As the game gets underway, the closet All Blacks fan is happiest when Brodie Retallick scores after 28 phases. It may not be a classic try, but wait till you hear the terrible personal story Retallick is coming back from. And by telling that story, the closet All Blacks fan somehow makes it about them.

When the Wallabies start doing well, they’re dismissive. "That Folau try? It only came from a kick. Lottery. It doesn't really count. And did you hear what Folau said about gay people? And did you hear that New Zealand rugby players combined with one voice to denounce him? Oh, Pocock? Well, he's still playing alongside Folau, isn’t he?" The closet All Blacks fan is morally superior to you in ways you haven’t been morally upright to even think about yet.

The closet All Blacks fan doesn’t get worried when, in the first half, the Wallabies find themselves in the lead. "Yeah but they are only competitive because Foley keeps landing penalty goals." And the closet All Blacks fan calls him "Luke Foley". On purpose.

Then at half-time there will be footage from the changing rooms. Every time Michael Cheika is shown on screen, the closet All Blacks fan will say, "This has nothing to do with rugby, but this is a serious issue – that guy really needs to see someone". And whenever the cameras go to Steve Hanson, they will chuckle, "He’s so calm, like the Buddha".

As the second half progresses, even if New Zealand haven’t put the match beyond doubt, the closet All Blacks fan will reel of statistics of the points differential when their ‘finishers’ come on, how they are the best team in the world because they have the best 16 to 22. How they can replace the world’s best scrumhalf, Aaron Smith, with the world’s second-best, T.J. Perenara. And the world’s third-best, Tawera Kerr-Barlow, can’t even get into the squad. And meanwhile, Australia are so desperate that Nick Phipps, off the bench, has won something like 70 Test caps.

But they’re still pretending they’re Australian, so they’ll couch it in terms of sorrow. Like, "The fact that Nick Phipps has won 70 Test caps, doesn’t that say a lot about the pitiful decline of rugby in our schools. In New Zealand, on the other hand…"

If the unexpected happens and Australia get on top, the closet All Blacks fan will slyly change the subject and talk about culture and politics. How we struggle to find our own Flight of the Conchords. "Did you see Hunt for the Wilderpeople? When did Australians stop being about to laugh at ourselves, like the Kiwis can?" And then they’ll enumerate the progressive policies of a 38-year-old woman prime minister and fantasise about a love match between Jacinda Ardern and Justin Trudeau. In Australia, meanwhile, our political culture is so far back in the stone age that our parliament has unearthed a guy who manages to make Peter Dutton look like a sensible centrist. (This is again phrased in self-pitying tones, as if lamenting what Australia has become, when the truth is that they actually like New Zealand better than Australia, and they would bloody well go and live there except that they couldn’t get a job and the exchange rate for the NZD is so poor…)

Yes, the closet All Blacks fan is, if nothing else, better than you. For even though the All Blacks are the perennial overdogs, New Zealand is a country of underdogs. "And you’ve got to love them for that. And you’ve got to love me for loving them."

(No, I don’t mean me me. Otherwise I’d be out of the closet.)

The final tell for the closet All Blacks fan is that, come the end of the Test match, they are always wearing a smile. If New Zealand have won, it’s a smile gleefully imagining the sad faces at some Shore School Old Boys reunion at the Oaks Hotel. Or, it’s a good-loser smile of appreciation. "But hey, you’ve got to admire the ABs, you just don’t see rugby played that way anywhere else." Or, if Australia win, it’s the fake smile. "Go, Wallabies! I knew we’d get them one day!" But you can tell it’s fake, because until they admit they really want the All Blacks to win, they are fundamentally deceitful and they are not your friends.

So, what to do about them. These unAustralian Australians are not us. Who let these closet All Blacks fans in? There must be an interim solution – a Pacific solution? – and whatever it is, we must get them to pay for it.